Crossroads

Well... I haven't been here for a while - and there's a few reasons for that.

They aren't very good reasons or even particularly legitimate reasons considering what my whole goal and plans were for this blog, but I have them all the same. The past month of November was a struggle and I've gained a lot of what I've lost as far as poundage, and lost a lot of what I had gained as far as confidence.

For a while I watched my company's stock struggle to make it above $25 a share and thought, I know how you feel little stock, you keep going back and forth and just can't make any headway, but over the past two months it's shot up to $33 and here I am still stuck where I was, now disgusted when I look at the stock.

I'm at that point - where most of my life I've stood and said we'll here's another attempt, another diet, that's failed and really this is all to stressful to continue onwards. I'd rather just quit, not deal with my need to eat, and not deal with the unhappiness I feel when I realize I'm eating to escape feeling anxiety or stress or worry. Normally this is the point in which I would throw in the towel and say "Well, that was fun, let's go get ice cream".



Unfortunately two things have happened over the past month of November causing me not to be able to take the easy way out and I am most disgruntled.

Firstly came my husband's boredom. He started watching reality TV on Netflix's and discovered a show called Hoarders, after watching all of those episodes he moved onto Obsessed and had me watch an episode with him about a girl who could not stand her mother's or brother's hands in her line of sight and then another girl who was convinced she was going to kill people.

I'm gonna be honest, my first thought was exactly this: These people are crazy - why am I watching this?

And I was not wrong with that thought, they are crazy, they accept this and want help - that's part of the point of the show, is that they are trying to fix what they understand is both crazy and irrational. If you haven't seen the shows - go watch an episode - it will really open your eyes to humanity. My second thought was a bit of an eye opener, these people cannot help what they are doing, they know its illogical, they know they are obsessed over something that is insane and it is preventing them from have real relationships with people, but they cannot help it. We were watching these human beings subjecting themselves to things that truly scared them and they were in pain. I mean physical, mental, emotional pain - there was no faking, there was no acting; what they were feeling was just so painfully obvious.

I realized that on that scale of craziness, I would find myself and my issues with food. Probably not quite to the degree of those on the show, I'm certainly not about to let myself be followed around by cameras, but I got the irrationalness and the despair that these people felt in never being able to overcome their problems. The conclusions to the Obsessed show were not always happy endings and these people will always have these thoughts, but part of their solutions to moving on is accepting that you are going to have crazy thoughts - that doesn't mean you have to act on them.

Huh? So I can think I need food, crave food (which is really craving the serotonin and quick fix of feeling happy) and still not act on putting the food in my mouth. Well, gee that's an idea.



My second problem in wanting to quit - I have people who love me that I'm pretty sure won't let me quit. They'll keep pestering me and tell me not to put fudge in my mouth.

This means then I'm at a crossroads. I could just say whatever or I could continue to attempt to figure out what I'm doing - and probably in the process will have to work on patience. I really wish there was a magic pill that I could take and wake up 10 lbs lighter tomorrow; the mountain is just really so very tall.